How grief can have a place in the workplace

Easily distracted, forgetful, crying fits and being emotional. With these complaints, one quickly thinks that someone is not comfortable in their own skin or even overworked. Less well known is that these complaints are also symptoms of grief. Someone who is grieving is working very hard to cope with loss, and that can include psychological clients. But grieving people are not necessarily sick. Still, to ensure that people have enough space to grieve, CNV called on the cabinet to create a statutory two-week mourning leave. If you ask me, it is first and foremost important for employers to remain in dialogue with grieving employees. After all, grieving is something personal and everyone needs something different in it.

Grieving is hard work

Grieving is part of life. It is much more than just coping with the loss of a loved one. You can also grieve because your relationship has broken down, your dog has died or if someone becomes chronically ill. How a person grieves is different for each person. Some are inclined to put the lid on and just move on (although this is unwise, because you will get it back on you at some point). The other is used to expressing grief and talking a lot about feelings. The same goes for how long the grieving process takes. One thing is certain: people in grief perform grief work. This means a person is working hard to integrate the loss suffered into life. After all, it is something permanent that you have to learn to deal with. You have to look for the new normal, so to speak.

Grief is not a disease

So how is it that we find grieving such a difficult topic to talk about? It goes wrong because we pretend it's not part of life. When in fact, only one thing is certain in life: we all die one day. Everyone sooner or later has to deal with the death of loved ones (or one of the other things I mentioned earlier). We all tend to feel sorry for someone in grief and therefore avoid talking about it. After all, you don't want to unnecessarily hurt or "confront" someone with their loss. To make things easier, we often label mourning in the workplace as absenteeism. After all, someone is temporarily unable to perform less to no work. And we consider that "sick. But someone in mourning is not necessarily sick, they are sad. And that includes such symptoms as forgetfulness, crying spells, insomnia and a short attention span.

Getting to work with adaptations

In that respect, grief leave may not sound like a crazy idea. After all, then you have a "box" into which you can put the complaints of someone in mourning. If you ask me, however, this is not the solution, because you attach a time limit to how long someone is allowed to grieve. But it just doesn't work that someone's grieving process is over after two weeks. And that you can just go back to work after that. In fact, sitting at home for two weeks and hiding under your comforter is not going to help you integrate the loss into your life. It is often a good idea to go back to work, but with adjustments. We are often afraid that people will return to work too soon and run the risk of burnout. But working is a good way to structure your day and feel useful.

In conversation about grief

As far as I am concerned, the solution lies in normalizing grief. Simply by talking about it. Someone in mourning needs to be listened to. Feeling sorry for someone and not bothering them can make them feel that their feelings are unwanted. So it is up to employers to keep their finger on the pulse and check in with the grieving colleague on a weekly basis. Then don't ask the question, "How are you?" because that is a very difficult question to answer. Instead, you can ask what someone needs. Or ask how it is going to combine working and grieving. Or just listen to someone's story without judgment. Acknowledge that someone is doing grief work and don't confuse the mental state of being that comes with that with illness. I can imagine that as a manager you find it difficult to guide an employee in this the right way. Then a counselor can always provide guidance.

Personal

Grief does not initially fit into the absence box. If you do put it there right away, there is a risk that people will stay home longer than might be a good thing; after all, they have already been reported sick. Or that people actually start feeling sick because their symptoms are labeled as such. So stop labeling grief as absenteeism. Instead, enter the conversation and see what this grieving person specifically needs for his or her sustainable employability. For some, that means working shorter days, for others a little less responsibility and for still others, a day less of work during the week. Employees appreciate it when you think along as an employer. Therefore, create a safe environment where there is room to talk about emotions and feelings. Stay away from a standard protocol and look at each employee's individual situation. That makes them feel good and ensures in the long run that you stay connected.